Plot Generator/Snooty Feelings
Snooty Feelings A Screenplay by Heil O INT. THE AZORES - AFTERNOON Moron beheader CALIPH SMYTERAT AL-HOMOPH IBN-A is arguing with splendid ruler KAISER ANT ONY. SMYTERAT tries to hug ANT but he shakes him off. SMYTERAT Please Ant, don't leave me. ANT I'm sorry Smyterat, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away. SMYTERAT I am such a person! ANT frowns. ANT I'm sorry, Smyterat. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. ANT leaves. SMYTERAT sits down, looking defeated. Moments later, smart chief CHIEF BAN TU barges in looking flustered. SMYTERAT Goodness, Ban! Is everything okay? BAN I'm afraid not. SMYTERAT What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... BAN It's ... a feelings ... I saw an evil feelings died for them a bunch of jihadis! SMYTERAT Defenseless jihadis? BAN Yes, defenseless jihadis! SMYTERAT Bloomin' heck, Ban! We've got to do something. BAN I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. SMYTERAT You can start by telling me where this happened. BAN I was... BAN fans himself and begins to wheeze. SMYTERAT Focus Ban, focus! Where did it happen? BAN Sus! That's right - Sus! SMYTERAT springs up and begins to run. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS SMYTERAT rushes along the street, followed by BAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way. INT. SUS - SHORTLY AFTER HOMO PHOBIA a snooty feelings terrorises two jihadis. SMYTERAT, closely followed by BAN, rushes towards HOMO, but suddenly stops in his tracks. BAN What is is? What's the matter? SMYTERAT That's not just any old feelings, that's Homo phobia! BAN Who's Homo phobia? SMYTERAT Who's Homo phobia? Who's Homo phobia? Only the most snooty feelings in the universe! BAN Blinkin' knickers, Smyterat! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty feelings in the universe! SMYTERAT You can say that again. BAN Blinkin' knickers, Smyterat! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty feelings in the universe! SMYTERAT I'm going to need memes, lots of memes. Homo turns and sees Smyterat and Ban. She grins an evil grin. HOMO Smyterat al-Homoph ibn-a, we meet again. BAN You've met? SMYTERAT Yes. It was a long, long time ago... EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME A young SMYTERAT is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him. He looks up and sees HOMO. He takes off his headphones. HOMO Would you like some jelly babies? SMYTERAT's eyes light up, but then he studies HOMO more closely, and looks uneasy. SMYTERAT I don't know, you look kind of snooty. HOMO Me? No. I'm not snooty. I'm the least snooty feelings in the world. SMYTERAT Wait, you're a feelings? SMYTERAT runs away, screaming. INT. SUS - PRESENT DAY HOMO You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. BAN (To SMYTERAT) You ran away? SMYTERAT (To BAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? SMYTERAT turns to HOMO. SMYTERAT I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! SMYTERAT runs away. He turns back and shouts. SMYTERAT I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with memes. HOMO I'm not scared of you. SMYTERAT You should be. EXT. A MOSQUE - LATER THAT DAY SMYTERAT and BAN walk around searching for something. SMYTERAT I feel sure I left my memes somewhere around here. BAN Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly memes. SMYTERAT You know nothing Ban Tu. BAN We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, HOMO appears, holding a pair of memes. HOMO Looking for something? BAN Crikey, Smyterat, she's got your memes. SMYTERAT Tell me something I don't already know! BAN The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. SMYTERAT I know that already! BAN I sucked my own virgin d... duck. HOMO (appalled) Dude! While HOMO is looking at BAN with disgust, SMYTERAT lunges forward and grabs his deadly memes. He wields them, triumphantly. SMYTERAT Prepare to die, you snooty potato! HOMO No please! All I did was died for them a bunch of jihadis! ANT enters, unseen by any of the others. SMYTERAT I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those jihadis were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Smyterat al-Homoph ibn-a defender of innocent jihadis. HOMO Don't hurt me! Please! SMYTERAT Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these memes on you right away! HOMO Because Smyterat, I am your mother. SMYTERAT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself. SMYTERAT No you're not! HOMO Ah well, it had to be worth a try. HOMO tries to grab the memes but SMYTERAT dodges out of the way. SMYTERAT Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, HOMO slumps to the ground. BAN Did she just faint? SMYTERAT I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly memes. SMYTERAT crouches over HOMO's body. BAN Be careful, Smyterat. It could be a trick. SMYTERAT No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Homo phobia is dead! SMYTERAT What? SMYTERAT Yes, it appears that I scared her to death. BAN claps his hands. BAN So your memes did save the day, after all. ANT steps forward. ANT Is it true? Did you kill the snooty feelings? SMYTERAT Ant how long have you been...? ANT puts his arm around SMYTERAT. ANT Long enough. SMYTERAT Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Homo phobia. ANT Then the jihadis are safe? SMYTERAT It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable jihadis enter, looking relived. ANT You are their hero. The jihadis bow to SMYTERAT. SMYTERAT There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Homo phobia will never died for them jihadis ever again, is enough for me. ANT You are humble as well as brave! One of the jihadis passes SMYTERAT a bad Smy's head ANT I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. SMYTERAT I couldn't possibly. Pause. SMYTERAT Well, if you insist. SMYTERAT takes the Smy's head. SMYTERAT Thank you. The jihadis bow their heads once more, and leave. SMYTERAT turns to ANT. SMYTERAT Does this mean you want me back? ANT Oh, Smyterat, of course I want you back! SMYTERAT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. SMYTERAT Well you can't have me. ANT WHAT? SMYTERAT You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a feelings to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. ANT But... SMYTERAT Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ban. BAN grins. ANT But... BAN You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! ANT Smyterat? SMYTERAT I'm sorry Ant, but I think you should skidaddle. ANT leaves. BAN turns to SMYTERAT. BAN Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? SMYTERAT Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly BAN stops. BAN When I said I sucked my own virgin d... duck, you know I was just trying to distract the feelings don't you? THE END Category:IMC Category:Plot Generated Plot